Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
