I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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