i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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