in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
