Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
