Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
