I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wear drunk well.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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