Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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