Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize