WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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