Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
