do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
