i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
