Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How drunk are you?
Completed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
