after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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