I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
