omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
