Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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