Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
