My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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