If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
