Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
