Are we in a gay sports bar?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
