my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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