i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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