We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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