Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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