Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
