i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
