god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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