Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
