the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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