I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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