Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
