I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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