DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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