dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
