Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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