I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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