Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
