I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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