there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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