we have pet lesbian snakes
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
