Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
