I think my fart just growled at me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
