the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
