I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
