What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
