Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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