it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
