Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
