so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
