When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
