But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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