By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I deserve this hangover.
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