I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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