I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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