Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
