Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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