I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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