There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
